Lazybones Read online

  Lazybones

  Mark Billingham

  For

  Pat and Tony Thompson

  and

  Jeff and Pam Billingham

  For one night or the other night,

  will come the Gardener in white, and

  gathered flowers are dead…

  —James Elroy Flecker,

  Golden Journey to Samarkand

  Contents

  Epigraph

  Prologue

  Part One

  Births, Marriages and Deaths

  One

  The look was slightly spoiled by the training shoes.

  Two

  Thorne lost his bet with Phil Hendricks.

  Three

  Later, when they talked about it, both Thorne and Holland…

  Four

  Back when the Peel Centre had been the home of…

  Five

  Another hot, humid evening. The air outside heavy with the…

  Six

  From Kentish Town, Thorne took every shortcut he knew, cutting…

  Seven

  Thorne might well have gone right off Eve Bloom had…

  Eight

  Thorne turned right off the Charing Cross Road. Eleven o’clock…

  Nine

  That dreadful hiatus between arriving and anything actually happening…

  Part Two

  Like Light

  Ten

  Carol Chamberlain had always been an early riser, but by…

  Eleven

  It was no more than a ten-minute walk from the…

  Twelve

  Carol Chamberlain felt twenty years younger. Every thought and sensation…

  Thirteen

  “I was wondering how much it would cost to send…

  Fourteen

  Carol Chamberlain was three quarters of a team of two.

  Fifteen

  Carol lifted the handset and dialed, checking the number on…

  Sixteen

  Two B’s and a C. Two B’s and a C…

  Part Three

  Harm’s Way

  Seventeen

  It was as grim a story of broken bodies and…

  Eighteen

  Thorne enjoyed expensive wine, but rather more often, cheap lager.

  Nineteen

  It was Monday morning. Seven weeks to the day since…

  Twenty

  He’d seen comedians on TV talking about how women could…

  Twenty-One

  “Who are you rooting for this afternoon then, Dave?”

  Twenty-Two

  Carol Chamberlain put down the newspaper when Thorne came back…

  Twenty-Three

  Thorne looked unconvinced. “I’ve never interviewed anybody in the same…

  Twenty-Four

  The telephone voice was even more pronounced on Irene Noble’s…

  Twenty-Five

  “Not just spoken on the phone either,” Holland said. “I’m…

  Twenty-Six

  They spoke to each other slowly, in whispers.

  Twenty-Seven

  Not a very long time before, on a freezing night…

  Twenty-Eight

  Holland made it to Romford in a notch under forty…

  Twenty-Nine

  They walked slowly back down Kentish Town Road toward Thorne’s…

  Thirty

  Thorne lay in bed, listening hard, trying to ascertain exactly…

  Thirty-One

  While they were preparing him, Thorne tried to take the…

  Thirty-Two

  “Why don’t you just get out now while you still…

  Part Four

  The Kingdom Where Nobody Dies

  Thirty-Three

  Yvonne Kitson rang him on his way to St. Albans.

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Praise

  Other Books by Mark Billingham

  Copyright

  About the Publilsher

  Prologue

  13 March

  Dearest Dougie,

  I’m sorry about this being another typed letter, but as I explained before, it’s difficult for me to write to you from home, so I do it at work when the boss isn’t looking, or in my lunch hour (like today!) or whatever. So, sorry if it seems a bit formal. Trust me, when I’m writing to you, the last thing I’m feeling is formal!

  I hope things with you are OK and even if they’re not brilliant, I hope that my letters are making you feel a bit better. I like to dream that you look forward to them and that you think of me sitting here, thinking about you. At least you have the pictures now (did you like them?), so you don’t have to use your imagination too much…(wicked grin!)

  I know that it’s really horrible in there but you must believe that things will get better. One day you will be out, with a bright future. Is it silly of me to hope that perhaps I can play a part in that future? I know that you are in there when you should not be. I know that you being in that place is unjust!!

  I should sign off now, because I want to get this in the post before the lunch hour is over and I haven’t had anything to eat yet. Writing to you, feeling near to you, is more important than a cheese sarnie anyway (she sighs!).

  I will write again soon, Dougie, maybe with another picture. Do you put them on the wall? I don’t even know if you have a cell all to yourself or not. If not, I hope whoever you are sharing with is nice. They are very lucky!!

  It will all be over soon and when you are out of there, who knows, perhaps we can finally get together. I’m sure the wait will have been worth it.

  Please look after yourself, Dougie. Hope you’re thinking about me.

  Yours, VERY frustrated…

  Part One

  Births, Marriages and Deaths

  August 10, 1976

  He inched himself toward the edge, each tightening of the sphincter muscle moving him a little farther across the narrow breadth of the banister’s polished surface. He twisted his wrists, wrapping the towel once more tightly around them. Not giving himself the get-out, knowing his body would look for it. Knowing he would instinctively try to free himself.

  His heels bounced rhythmically against the banister spindles below him. The blue tow rope that he’d found at the back of the garage was itchy against his neck. He smiled to himself. Scratching it, even if he could, would have been stupid. Like dabbing at the skin with disinfectant before slipping in the needle to administer a lethal injection.

  He closed his eyes, bowed his head, and let his weight tip him forward and over and down.

  It felt as if the jolt might take his head off, but it was not even enough to break a bone. There hadn’t been time to do the math, to set weight against height. Even if there had been, he wasn’t sure he’d have known what the relationship between them was. He remembered reading somewhere that the proper hangmen, the Pierrepoints or whoever, could do the calculation, could figure out the necessary drop, based on nothing more than shaking the condemned man’s hand.

  Pleased to meet you—about twelve feet, I reckon…

  He clenched his teeth against the pain in his back. The skin had been taken off his spine by the edge of the stair rail as he’d dropped. He could feel warm blood trickling down his chin and he realized that he’d bitten through his tongue. He could smell the motor oil on the rope.

  He thought about the woman, in bed, not ten feet away.

  It would have been lovely to have seen her face when she found him. Her liar’s mouth falling open as she reached up to stop his body swinging. That would have been perfect, but of course he would never see it. And she would never find him.

  Somebody else would find both of them.

  He couldn’t help but wonder what the authorities would make
of it all. What the newspapers would say. Their names would be spoken, would be whispered again in certain offices and living rooms. His name, the one he’d given her, would echo around a courtroom as it had done so often before, dragged through the mud and the filth that she’d spread before her like an oil slick. This time they themselves would be mercifully absent as others talked about them, about the tragedy, about the balance of their minds being disturbed. It was hard to argue with that now, this very moment. Him waiting to die, and her upstairs, thirty minutes ahead of him, the blood already soaking deep into their mushroom-colored bedroom carpet.

  She had disturbed both their minds. She had asked for everything she’d got.

  Half an hour before, her hands reaching to protect herself.

  Eight months before that, her hands reaching, her legs spread, on the floor of that stockroom.

  She’d asked for everything…

  He gagged, spluttering blood, sensing a shadow preparing to descend, feeling his life beginning, thankfully, to slip away. How long had it been now? Two minutes? Five? He pushed his feet down toward the floor, willing his weight to do its work quickly.

  He heard a noise like a creak and then a small hum of amazement. He opened his eyes.

  He was facing away from the front door, looking back at the staircase. He shifted his shoulders violently, trying to create enough momentum to make himself turn. As he spun slowly around, seconds from death, he found himself staring down, through bloodied and bulging retinas, into the flawless brown eyes of a child.

  ONE

  The look was slightly spoiled by the training shoes.

  The man with the mullet haircut and the sweaty top lip was wearing a smart blue suit, doubtless acquired for the occasion, but he’d let himself down with the bright white Nike Airs. They squeaked on the gymnasium floor as his feet shifted nervously underneath the table.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really, really, sorry.”

  An elderly couple sat at the table opposite him. The man’s back was ramrod straight, his milky blue eyes never leaving those of the man in the suit. The old woman next to the old man clutched at his hand. Her eyes, unlike those of her husband, looked anywhere but at those of the young man who, the last time he’d been this close to them, had been tying them up in their own home.

  The trembling was starting around the center of Darren Ellis’s meticulously shaved chin. His voice wobbled a little. “If there was anything I could do to make it up to you, I would,” he said.

  “There isn’t,” the old man said.

  “I can’t take back what I did, but I do know how wrong it was. I know what I put you through.”

  The old woman began to cry.

  “How can you?” her husband said.

  Darren Ellis began to cry.

  In the last row of seats, his back against the gym wallbars, sat a solid-looking man in a black leather jacket, forty or so, with dark eyes and hair that was grayer on one side than the other. He looked uncomfortable and a little confused. He turned to the man sitting next to him.

  “This. Is. Bullshit,” Thorne said.

  DCI Russell Brigstocke glared at him. There was a shush from a red-haired grunt type a couple of rows in front. One of Ellis’s supporters, by the look of him.

  “Bullshit,” Thorne repeated.

  The gymnasium at the Peel Centre would normally be full of eager recruits at this unearthly time on a Monday morning. It was, however, the largest space available for this “Restorative Justice Conference,” so the raw young constables were doing their press-ups and star jumps elsewhere. The floor of the gym had been covered with a green tarpaulin and fifty or so seats had been laid out. They were filled with supporters of both offender and victims, together with invited officers who, it was thought, would appreciate the opportunity to be brought up to speed with this latest initiative.

  Becke House, where Thorne and Brigstocke were based, was part of the same complex. Half an hour earlier, on the five-minute walk across to the gym, Thorne had moaned without drawing breath.

  “If it’s an invitation, how come I’m not allowed to turn it down?”

  “Shut up,” Brigstocke said. They were late and he was walking quickly, trying not to spill hot coffee from a polystyrene cup that was all but melting. Thorne lagged a step or two behind.

  “Shit, I’ve forgotten the bit of paper, maybe they won’t let me in.”

  Brigstocke scowled, unamused.

  “What if I’m not smart enough? There might be a dress code…”

  “I’m not listening, Tom…”

  Thorne shook his head, flicked out his foot at a stone like a sulky schoolboy. “I’m just trying to get it straight. This piece of pond life ties an old couple up with electrical tape, gives the old man a kick or two for good measure, breaking…how many ribs?”

  “Three…”

  “Three. Thanks. He pisses on their carpet, fucks off with their life savings, and now we’re rushing across to see how sorry he is?”

  “It’s just a trial. They’ve been using RJCs in Australia and the results have been pretty bloody good. Reoffending rates have gone right down…”

  “So, basically, they sit everybody down presentence, and if they all agree that the guilty party is really feeling guilty, he gets to do a bit less time. That it?”

  Brigstocke took a last, scalding slurp and dumped the half-full cup in a bin. “It’s not quite that simple.”

  A week and a bit into a steaming June, but the day was still too new to have warmed up yet. Thorne shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his leather jacket.

  “No, but whoever thought it up is.”

  In the gym, the audience watched as Darren Ellis moved balled-up fists from in front of his face to reveal moist, red eyes. Thorne looked around at those watching. Some looked sad and shook their heads. One or two were taking notes. In the front row, members of Ellis’s legal team passed pieces of paper between them.

  “If I said that I felt like a victim, would you laugh?” Darren asked.

  The old man looked calmly at him for fifteen seconds or more before answering flatly. “I’d want to knock your teeth out.”

  “Things aren’t always that clear-cut,” Darren said.

  The old man leaned across the table. The skin was tight around his mouth. “I’ll tell you what’s clear-cut.” His eyes flicked toward his wife as he spoke. “She hasn’t slept since the night you came into our house. She wets the bed most of the time.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “She’s got so bloody thin…”

  Something between a gulp and a gasp echoed around the gymnasium as Darren dropped his head into his hands and gave full vent to his emotions. A lawyer got to his feet. A senior detective stood up and started walking toward the table. It was time to take a break.

  Thorne leaned across and whispered loudly to Brigstocke. “He’s very good. What drama school did he go to?” This time, several of the faces that turned to look daggers at him belonged to senior officers…

  Ten minutes later, and everybody was mingling in the foyer outside. There was a lot of nodding and hushed conversation. There was mineral water and biscuits.

  “I’m supposed to write a report on this,” Brigstocke mumbled.

  Thorne waved across the foyer to a couple of lads he knew from Team 6. “Rather you than me.”

  “I’m trying to decide the right word to use, to describe the attitude of certain attending officers on my team. Obstructive? Insolent? You got any thoughts…?”

  “I think that was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe people sat there and took it seriously and I don’t care what the results were in sodding Australia. Actually, no, not stupid. It was obscene. All those silly bastards studying every expression on that little prick’s face. How many tears? How big were they? How much shame?” Thorne took a swig of water, held it in his mouth for a few seconds, swallowed. “Did you see her face? Did you look at the old woman’s face?”

  Brigstocke�
�s mobile rang. He answered it quickly, but Thorne kept on talking anyway. “Restorative Justice? For who? For that old man and his skeletal wife?”

  Brigstocke shook his head angrily, turned away.

  Thorne put his glass down on a windowsill. He moved suddenly, pushing past several people as he walked quickly toward where he’d seen a group emerging from a door on the other side of the foyer.

  Darren Ellis had taken his jacket and tie off. He was handcuffed, a detective on either side of him, their hands on his shoulders.

  “Good show, Darren,” Thorne said. He raised his hands and started to clap.

  Ellis stared, his mouth opening and closing, an uneasy expression that had definitely not been rehearsed. He looked for help to the officers on either side of him.

  Thorne smiled. “What do you do for an encore? Always best to finish on a song, I reckon…”

  The officer to Ellis’s left, a stick-thin article with dandruff on his brown polyester jacket, tried his best to look casually intimidating. “Piss off, Thorne.”

  Before Thorne had a chance to respond, his attention was caught by the figure of Russell Brigstocke marching purposefully across the room toward him. Thorne was hardly aware of the two detectives leading Ellis away in the other direction. The look on the DCI’s face caused something to clench in his stomach.

  “You want to restore some justice?” Brigstocke said. “Now’s your chance.” He pointed at Thorne with his mobile phone. “This sounds like a good one…”